Am I a bad mom?

When I was pregnant with my son, we took photos of my growing belly every month during my pregnancy. We did a 3D ultrasound. We bought a baby book and started filling it before the birth. Granted, many pages are still unfilled and we haven’t printed any photos to paste in it, but still. There are mementos that were preserved in those pages.

This time around, we haven’t taken any photos of my belly yet. We haven’t captured those fleeting moments when my son gives the baby a kiss. We haven’t scanned my 32 week ultrasound photos to send to family and friends. We don’t have a baby book yet. And even without doing any of that, we are overwhelmed, exhausted and out of time.

I am afraid that some day, my second born will look at all those photos of his or her big brother in my belly and wonder where the similar photos of him or her growing inside my womb are. Of course, I will not love him or her any less than my first born. And I really, truly want to do all these cute things I did the first time around. But it seems like there is not enough hours in a day to be cute between the meals, the dishes, the laundry and the scolding of our preschooler who needs to learn to verbalize his frustration instead of reacting aggressively. And I’m not even talking about cleaning our place – I’m not a big fan of cleaning and I am fine with leaving a bit of a mess to have more time to do more fun stuff, but there are limits that should be respected.

So are my priorities wrong? I know this pregnancy will never come back and I should be spending more time on preserving it for later, but at the same time, we still need to eat, don’t we? And I need to sleep – please! I want to sleep!

I need some sleep!

What happens when you’re 35 weeks pregnant and your preschooler wakes up two nights in a row with nightmares? You get exhausted, that’s what! Even when Zak goes to comfort him, it still wakes me up. Hopefully, if he keeps that up after the baby arrives, he’ll time himself with when I’m already up nursing, not with when the baby is finally sleeping!

I have trouble functioning this morning. Luckily, things are pretty slow at work these days, and it’s the Friday of a long weekend, after which I have only 4 more days of work before my mat leave. The hard thing will be getting my son used to the fact that although I am not working, I will not go around town with him and his dad all day either: I’m supposed to be resting. And God knows I need it!

On the bright side, despite my exhaustion, I was still able to exercise on Wednesday, I’m still walking to work at a decent pace, the baby seems to be head down and the summer is not too hot. Now if only we had more room in our apartment to store all the baby stuff, the junk that’s in the crib (it used to be by the bed in our bedroom, but that’s where the crib had to go), the fruit we brought back from Kelowna, the preserves Zak is working on, our son’s toys, etc. Maybe in my next life I’ll live in a place where I can afford a house.

Oh well. My appartment is much more environmental.

It’s official…

I weighed myself at my midwife appointment yesterday, and I have never been heavier in my life. I still haven’t gained quite as much weight as in my first pregnancy, but since I started with an extra few pounds over what I weighed before having my first, I am heavier now than ever. And hopefully, than I ever will be once the baby comes out!

Before I  get stoned to death, let me say that I know very well I am whining without a good reason. After gaining close to 20 pounds, I am still only 130. At my height (5 foot 7), it would still be considered normal weight even if I wasn’t pregnant (I did the test for fun, it would be a BMI of 20.4). But I have small bones. If I actually weighed that much normally, I think it would be a bit much for my frame. In any case, it is a lot more weight than what I’m used to carrying and I do feel huge. Which makes me feel a lot of sympathy for all the other women who have 20 extra pounds BEFORE the baby starts growing. How do they do it? I can’t imagine living with that weight on a daily basis!

Granted, it would not all be in the belly. And it wouldn’t kick me in the ribs or push on my bladder. Neither would it squish my stomach into a tiny fiery ball. Or wake me up in the middle of the night with the feeling that Aliens are crawling under my skin. So maybe it would be slightly easier to handle 20 extra pounds of fat than 20 extra pounds of baby

The upside being, of course, that in a few weeks I’ll lose a good portion of it.

Now if only there was a way to make the flabby tummy skin go away as fast as the weight (not to mention the stretch marks)!

Back for good

We just came back from Kelowna on our last trip for the foreseeable future. I’m now 35 weeks pregnant, so we will be staying put from now on. God knows when we’ll have the courage to travel next with the baby plus our now preschooler. But anyway, we had a great, hot time in very sunny, 35 degrees plus Kelowna. I sat under a tree in the shade a lot while the boys were picking fruit. We came back with 9 boxes of apricots and 3 boxes of cherries, and since then, Zak has been making apricot fruit leather, dried cherries, apricot pancakes, etc. etc. etc. We still have tons of apricots quickly becoming overripe.

Here are a few photos:

Driving great-grandma’s tractor

Driving great-grandma’s tractor… Don’t worry, it’s not actually on. He just likes to pretend he’s backing it up.

Pitting cherries

Pitting cherries with Papa… Lots of cherries!

Up the big ladder

Up the big ladder picking cherries. Climbing the ladder was really where the fun was. He would pick two or three and then declare he had to go higher in order to reach more.

Into the apricot tree

In the apricot tree.

My big belly

That would be me and my big belly. I picked only the fruit that I could reach from the ground, and even then, not for very long as I found it hard to reach up for long stretches at a time. I also did a lot of lying on the ground watching others picking fruit. I guess it’s the privilege of 8-month-pregnant ladies!

Un petit mot de français…

Encore une fois, alors que je me disais que mon fils ne parle pas beaucoup français, il me suprend… Juste avant d’aller au lit, mon fils aime courir de l’entrée jusqu’à son lit.

Moi : “Si tu veux courir, c’est maintenant!”

Mon fils: “C’est maintenant ou jamais!”

34 weeks and counting

When I got to that stage of my first pregnancy, people started asking me if I was looking forward to the baby being born, and my honest answer was, not really. My pregnancy was a dream one. I slept like a baby (well, much better than a baby) all the way to the end – Zak woke up to go pee more often than I did – and I had absolutely no symptom of pregnancy. Sure, I felt heavy when going up the hill, but it was minor. I wasn’t sure I was ready for the baby to be born. I wanted the two weeks off I had planned before the birth. I was in no rush.

This time, it’s slightly different. I can’t really complain because I am still having an extremely easy pregnancy by most standards, with no water retention, no swelling, pretty good sleeping… But I feel huge. I know that objectively I am not. I am much below average for weight gain. But at this point I have gained almost as much as I did at 39 weeks with my son. And I’m still getting bigger. I don’t feel like a sexy mama anymore. I get tired really easily, and unlike the first time, I can’t rest as much: I have a son who wants some attention from his mother, roughly 24/7. The first time around, I would crash on the couch after supper and fall asleep. Now I do dished, or laundry, or whatever needs to be done. After putting my son to bed, of course. I have aches and pains that I don’t remember feeling the first time.

No, this baby is becoming less and less of a welcome companion and more of a foreign object possessing my body. I know he/she is not ready to be born yet and has to stay there for another little while, so I’m not hoping for that quick of a delivery. I have met parents of preemies, and I certainly wouldn’t wish for that. But come 39 weeks, I’ll be more than ready. And maybe it’s a good thing. Because believe you me, I certainly don’t want another child. I already didn’t – we couldn’t afford it or find the time. But now I know that I wouldn’t want to be pregnant again. So I won’t miss it as much as I did the first time around.

It has begun

If you have ever been pregnant or read a pregnancy book, you probably know that hair stops falling while you’re pregnant. That’s why pregnant women seem to have lush and full hair: they have more because they don’t lose as many. However, once you have your baby, all of the hair that didn’t fall in the last 9 months seem to all fall at the same time. Some women even develop bald spots. And then everything goes back to normal.

Well, I don’t do things according to textbooks. With my first pregnancy, I had noticed that my hair started falling before I had the baby. And it seems to have happened again: these days, I can fill up a brush with dead hair in one day. Good thing we installed screens on our drains or else I would plug them all real bad!

The big surprise will be how my hair will end up after the baby. I had always had very straight hair, so straight that an iron couldn’t do much about it, so straight that when my best friend tried crimping it in grade 6 (I swear it was in back then), it wouldn’t work at all. After my son was born, my hair went curly. Well, not really curly, but wavy. Enough for the hairdresser to comment. I know it is normal for hair to change after a pregnancy, what with the hormones and all that. But I’m quite happy with the hair I have now, so I hope it stays similar this time!