The end…

It hit me yesterday. I was lying on the floor with my boy climbing on my tummy and I suddenly realized that today is my last real day at home with him. I still have next week, but Zak will be home and we will be working on the transition. So it won’t be the same. It will never be the same.

This week I found myself spending more time on the floor with my baby, the computer becoming less appealing all of a sudden. I watched him play. I laughed and frolicked and rolled around with him. I chatted with him a lot. I savored the moment. I thought of all these times when I thought of something I should do with him and said “I’ll do it later. Some other day”. I had a whole year, right? Well, now the year is over. I’m going back to work.

I know I’m extremely lucky. Zak will be home taking care of our boy so I won’t have to worry about his well-being, about making it to daycare on time, etc. But it still means that it won’t be me at home. I won’t be taking my son to the aquarium on a week day, I won’t be going to play group, then for coffee with a friend on a Monday morning. I may not be there when he hits his next big milestone. I won’t be the primary caregiver anymore. And when he hurts himself, he will probably cry for Zak.

I’m glad that Zak will be able to live that. They’ll share a special bond, and there’s no reason for me to have it and not him. But I’ll still be jealous, even though I’ll try to hide it. In the last 21 months (counting the pregnancy), I have not been away from this baby for more than a few hours (probably not more than two unless he was sleeping). And on the 5th of August when I step out the door to go to work, I know there will be tears rolling down my cheeks. I will be turning a page on the most intense adventure of my life.

I’d write some more, but I have a date with a one-year-old… See you later!

2 Responses to “The end…”

  1. Danielle Says:

    Peu importe l’âge, il me semble que la première fois qu’on les laisse, c’est dur… On s’habitue à les avoir avec soi, à les voir évoluer, à être nécessaire à leur bien-être!!! Mais je suis certaine que tout ira bien et qu’au bout de quelques semaines, tu seras bien contente de ce changement!

  2. Kevin McConnell Says:

    Sophie, this is very beautifully written. You and Zak are a great example for us and it is so nice to read this sort of thing and realize how amazing the experience of being a parent will be.